There are many reasons not to use contraceptives. One of them is the separation of procreation from the marital act. When the function of the marital act is perceived as being solely for pleasure, people get used as objects. The marital act becomes a means to an end, or the “scratching of an itch” if you will.
NFP, on the other hand is touted as marriage building because when used properly, this very thing doesn’t happen. The reason it doesn’t happen is because the woman’s fertility is being taken into account as opposed to being shunned and thwarted. The couple is prayerfully discerning their aspirations and concerns about family size and behaving accordingly. This marriage building is a very real part of NFP, but it is the result of using NFP properly and prayerfully.
I read somewhere that (I’m paraphrasing here) the first question often asked by couples at an NFP class is “Does it work?” What I assume is meant by this question is “If we faithfully learn and practice NFP, will we really be able to prevent pregnancy at will?” This line of thinking may be a natural result of the living in today’s society, but it is NOT the way we as Catholics are called to live out our marital vocations. In fact, practicing NFP with this sort of thinking can undermine the whole marriage building effects that NFP is so famous for, and I learned this the hard way – first hand through my own marriage.
For months before my youngest was conceived, my husband and I did nothing but fight. I felt taken advantage of by him, and I think he felt ignored and ineffectual when dealing with me. We had always bickered from time to time, but this was different, and it was bad. NFP being marriage strengthening? You couldn’t prove it by our marriage. In fact, even though I wasn’t fully aware of it, I was experiencing a lot of the emotions described by couples using contraception. How can this be? Nobody warned me this could happen. I didn’t remember reading about this anywhere. What was wrong?
Then we discovered I was pregnant again. The questions came, almost like an accusation. Couldn’t I tell when I was in the fertile time of my cycle? Didn’t NFP “work” after all? The questions were telltale of an attitude that had taken us unawares. As I dealt with my emotions and prepared for the new life God was entrusting us with, I began to understand that although we were using NFP, we had still been “contracepting”.
The posibility of using NFP and still contracepting is something I haven't heard talked about enough. After all, the Church does allow the regulation of births using NFP. Spacing of births is even referred to in the catechism as responsible. We had a modest income and three children. We told ourselves it was responsible for us to not have another. But in our case, waiting wasn’t as responsible as we thought it was. As married Catholics, we are called to be fruitful and conceive children, but my husband and I had lost sight of that without even realizing it. Moreover, we had lost sight of God as our provider, and were looking at ourselves with the knowledge that we couldnt' provide. It wasn't until I concieved that I began to see what was truly wrong and began to discover that what people with a contraceptive mentality would call a "failure" was actually a success.
Today, as a result of that success, the baby is born and two months old. Our income has decreased, but our bounty has increased. We now live with three bedrooms instead of two and in a better neighborhood. And even though our rent is higher, we have never been unable to pay it. More importantly, I can feel our marriage strengthening. We argue less often and less violently than we had in the months before I conceived. In short, a marriage should be open for life. Practicing NFP can open that door, but in the end, it takes God and following His will to keep it open. For married couples, that's what NFP is all about anyway.
